A Weird Week for Women & Porn
how porn teaches people about "pleasure" and what can be done (for good & profit)
Two totally contradictory headlines hit me this week:
First, the positive one:
Last year I did deep research into women’s & midlife women’s sexuality, thanks to an ill-fated Wile Libido product.* It taught me a few things.
In sharp contrast to the “older women are over sex” stereotype:
Midlife women are inquisitive and adventurous, looking to experiment and change things up.
The “over it” may have to do with boredom and discontent with long-term relationships vs actual interest
Possible sexual changes in perimenopause can be framed as opportunities for re-imagining and rut-busting vs “problems”
Women file for divorce not infrequently when kids age up or leave the house. So yeah, maybe she’s just not into him.
Older Folks As Porn Gold
According to Pornhub, older folks are trending in porn. Blame the Golden Bachelor? I doubt it, but Gerry and Theresa are top of mind this weekend. RIP.
Honestly, the older women and porn thing is interesting mostly in how limited our view of women have been.
We’re going to leave traditionally “sexy” out. That’s never been about a woman audience, even though as usual, she’s probably spending the cash.
Let’s go to the story I can’t stop thinking about
Porn as Sex Ed = Violence as Sex
Peggy Orenstein’s NYT piece is a must-read. I’d say for anyone with kids, but really, for anyone living in the U.S.
Nearly two-thirds of college women reported being choked
30% in their last sexual experience.
1 in 5 report having been choked to “cloudy” - nearly passing out
This as a dominant sexual behavior was not evidenced in any demographic 20 years ago, and is said to be frowned upon in BDSM because it is too dangerous.
Spitting, punching, hitting, all are becoming de rigeur and if you read the comments, it’s haloing out to older demos as well. Porn rewires normalcy and maybe pushes boundaries on consent.
Sex ed has always been more about fallopian tubes than the clitoris, more about “just say no” than mutual pleasure and care as part of a normal life.
But then, sex ed is only mandated in 23 states; only 13 require it to be medically accurate. So.. what are the other 10 supposed to be let alone the other 27?!
We laughed our 7th grade heads off at nun Sister Joyce explaining to us that boys were selfish, insatiable sex beasts that must be kept at bay with constant vigiliance. (side note: masturbation with a silk scarf was alluded to in a way that’s never let me pick up a vintage Hermés on the RealReal)
I’m starting to think that message might be useful!
Pressure to Conform
In the piece, people of both genders expressed reticience to participate in rough sex but were getting peer pressure to do so:
*a senior in high school was angry that her friends called her “vanilla” when she complained that her boyfriend had choked her.”
A boy spoke of being called a “simp” for not doing it, which is pure algorithm-driven misogyny speak of the Rogan/Tate/FarRight Bro types. More in my GenZ polarization post from a bit ago.
This stuck out:
In my interviews, college students have seen male orgasm as a given; women’s is nice if it happens, but certainly not expected or necessarily prioritized (by either partner).
How long have women been imprinted with this belief?
Well….
We Let Porn Do The Talking So….
When porn viewing starts at age 7 (average in the US now), this should be expected.
Pornography was the most-mentioned "helpful" source of sex-ed information for 18- to 24-year-olds
A survey of porn found 35-45% contained depictions of violence, almost always toward women.
“Personally, my hypothesis is that this is one of the reasons young people are delaying or having less sex,” Dr. Herbenick said.
Also what I learned last year? The Orgasm Gap does not exist in lesbian relationships, just heterosexual ones.
Read that again:
The Orgasm Gap does not exist in lesbian relationships, just heterosexual ones.
What could be done?
A few futurist thoughts from where I sit:
1 - The Algorithm & Search Did This. AI-Driven Search could help change it.
I coached a startup cohort in Los Angeles last week. One woman’s AI-data startup was a stark reminder that AI is being trained by the trash that’s already out there.
But machine-learning can very accurately guess your age based on your most recent activity, especially on phones vs shared computers.
AI could:
block porn far more effectively than “ARE YOU 18? yes/no”
serve younger folks more sex-positive porn
give you actually semi-educational porn
AI as bouncer? I know, seems laughable. But as long as we let AI for a common good seem laughable, the more trouble we’re in.
2 - Parents could pay for this
Kids are going to look at porn, it’s known. I’d rather covertly pay for a sex-positive porn and educational stream on my son’s future phone vs. unleash him into the belly of the beast.
Yes, my grandmother is rolling in her grave now, but it’s the world we live in.
I’d also pay for a covert misogyny blocker that combats the algorithm. I’d even pay for….
3 - Parents could also pay for an age-appropriate sexual pleasure and self-care content
And let’s be real: it would have to be closer to porn than “the More you know”
I’ve been having conversations about body autonomy and consent with my son (now age 9) since he was very small. This piece made me realize I need to open much bigger conversations, but he’s not going to want to talk everything with mom and dad.
We peeped Playboys and Joy of Sex under my friend’s parents beds. What is the modern equivalent?
My vision: a production company of young, media-savvy people in conjunction with licensed therapists and experts to create content junior high and high school kids would want to watch.
4 - Sexual wellness companies can play a big part in this, as can period, beauty and lifestyle influencers and brands.
On both the “midlife women are done” and “low-key assault is hot, everyone’s really enjoying this” fronts.
Period, beauty, lifestyle and fitness brands have a big place in the cultural conversation. With the terrifying rise in alt-rightism with young men, this needs to happen on fronts with those leading the conversations and before sexual activity starts (paging Hailey Bieber, T. Swift)
I’d love to see some sexual wellness brands feature hot, older-person action in an elevated way that celebrates and normalizes vs the current two approaches:
“young, with tattoos, body positive/inclusive”
“affluent with good taste in an Ojai way”
BUT: Platforms need to get real
That said, until Meta + Tiktok stop censoring anything to do with women’s health, the impact will be as hard to navigate as advertising CBD. The “morality” of these filters for paid ads and content has a very interesting lens (example: breastfeeding dirty, andrew tate OK - forcing the word “SEGGS” into the consciousness)
5 - Romance Novels can Also Help
Romance and “spicy” romance are booming (more on that in an upcoming issue and podcast) especially with young women. Audio erotica and this book genre can help re-wire these messages in an overt way, as well as #booktok influencers.
6 - Hello, male sex brands? Influencers? Dadfluencers? Anyone?
Since the teen/collegiate world is doing everything for the hetero-male climax, no clue what a brand analogy to the early 2000s Axe Body spray would be right now. Here for the suggestion!
It would be great to see aspirational voices on the male side take this on.
We need to boys and men to change this. It cannot be all on women but at least women need to know this is not something that they need to consent to and that their pleasure matters but also so does their safety.
See also: random people punching women on the street in NYC.
Which leads to our next topic:
Did You Know: Massive Book Trend: “Romantasy”
Romantasy: Romance/ “spice” + fantasy (including paranormal and often some political or power intrigue)
Romance is the hottest category in books - again! Tune in next week!
With generations raised on Hunger Games, Harry Potter, Twilight, this tracks.
Since Hentai has been a leading porn category for younger people, also tracks.
This gives me hope: Entangled Publishing’s Red Tower Books is a new imprint ‘focused on romantic fantasy and science fiction genres’, seeking to ‘champion feminist and empowered perspectives in the fantasy and science fiction space, while also enfolding in what Entangled Publishing does best… romance.”
Fourth Wing is in development with Amazon.
Note: the blockbusters above were written by yet another totally relatable Mormon mom.*
Did you know journaling is a big part of the LDS church and may be related to their writerliness? Just learned that recently.
Abortion rulings are roiling GOP women
The abortion policies are messing with GOP women. I read a lot of contradictions but also changing attitudes in news accounts. This stood out to me:
GOP women who thought GOP was “too extreme” on abortion:
22% June 2022 > 39% Feb 2024
Republican women also now cite “women’s rights” as an “extremely or very important issue” in their vote:
38% June 2022 > now “a majority”
don’t blame me, they didn’t site the stat, but still interesting.
Naked Ambition Update!
Lauren Sanchez offered a great update to my NAKED AMBITION post from a few weeks ago.
The raised-on-Victoria’s-Secret girl in me salutes the raised-on-Victoria’s-Secret girl in you, Ms. Sanchez.
As they once said: What is Sexy?
Credit where due: She’s giving her man the glowup! He finally dresses and carries himself like a super rich guy. And smiles occasionally.
Seeing the hyper rich and possibly evil look put upon and schlumpy is the ultimate annoyance on a working weekend.
OK, lots of heavy stuff this week, readers so simply enjoy this. The merchification of brands continues:
Not a joke! They’ve been saying Streetwear is dead and I think this may be the lily on the gravesite. All items sell for under $20 and there are 30+ pieces. Australia only.
*Wile Libido was ill-fated for a number of reasons, some foreseen, others surprising. My lived experience as a startup co-founder in women’s health, lifestyle & CPG + my POV+ my agency background makes me a triple threat as a consultant.
Let’s talk your project.
This is not about porn. But I think your readers will appreciate it. Dove's commitment to never use AI to create or enhance their images of women https://youtu.be/13WZij3xmCA?feature=shared