Will Tariffs Blow Up Wellness & Longevity "Culture?"
What a week! What a world!
I’ve seen multiple posts that the cost of Botox is going to go up. Well, that’s the least of it, babes.
We all know of billionaire longevity guy Brian Johnson. If you don’t, google1 “measuring morning erections vs. his son” or “using his son as blood bag.”
While people are willing to destroy the entire country for fear of a non-binary or trans gender, this living Twilight Fanfic announced his new “religion” Don’t Die.
Timing is everything, Brian.
Longevity & Performance are for Men, Anti-Aging & Woo are for the Ladies
I’ve broken down the gender binary bs in wellness culture, but adding this: While the dual framing is misogynist, it’s also very male insecurity-coded.
In my teens and 20s, guys loved to talk about how they’d probably never make it to 30. They were just too dangerous!2 After 30, a wistful realization kicks in: They are losing their powers and will die with no one ever knowing their name.
Horrors!
How often do you hear women opinning about a wish to live forever? Never! There’s too much work down here and the pink tax would making retirement savings impossible, particularly after last week.
Don’t Die has always struck me as the most weirdo rich dude idea, along with Billionaire Bunker Enclaves. Don’t they get the message of vampire lore? Immortality is a curse! Forced to live only with other Billionaires. Who wants to force-cuddle with Sheryl Sandberg or let Zuck win at board games?
Wellness has been getting more extreme, expensive and a lot less fun for a while. Tariffs could be the stake in its once-beating heart.
An Expensive Game About to Get Very Expensive
Last month, I turned down a free ticket and hotel room to Expo West.
My gut said it would be more of a retrospective than a trend-spotting tour. I figured the cutesy-poo protein-sprayed yassified design had hit peak and wouldn’t work for the new MAHA influx.
True, but now imagine the near-future cost of that functional beverage or paranoia-inducing wearable. Sure, sky-high prices can increase supposed status.
But status objects can quickly get passé. Or worse:
DIY Resurgence?
Earlier this week, superstar Substacker Emily Sundberg posted a paid thread about what people saw themselves cutting back on for recessionary times. There were two big themes: Nails and expensive workouts.
Fitness is Gen Z’s partying. That won’t die off. But it could downshift to FitTok, DIY running clubs, park & rec sports, DIY, YT or maybe the actual Y.
People are talking about resistance gardening, foraging. Wellness as we know it could get very 1970s. There’s still enough Tarot/astrology interest to fuel a neo-hippie revival, with former plant moms going full gardener. Co-ops are expensive but booming as people divest from big box grocers.
It’s really trad wife with a different aesthetic and more practical application (see: making kimchi not homemade Coca-Cola).
No More Compounded GLP-1s
The US government took time out of its busy schedule to kill off the cheap Ozempic pipeline this month. The current budget terrorism will make it hard for most to justify $800-1500 a month for what may have cost $300 a few weeks ago.
“Microdosing” how-tos are coming out, but eventually the weight and cravings will come back on if there is no way for these compounding pharmacies to sneak around these regs.
BTW - Weird thing to regulate when the Education and the EPA got gutted, but then, it was overwhelming women using these medications to feel better about themselves so, yeah, END IT.
Soft life? How about that Nihilism Life
No doubt, a certain subset of Gen Z and coastals will continue their march to pleasure-free, high-investment status living. But for the rest?
Why go through all the pain-staking trouble, deprivation and true budget killing when your feed pummels you that AI will take your job and our way of life is over?
Nihilism has never looked so good.
When Covid hit, junk and comfort food boomed. But now, perhaps more aggressive analog hedonism will not just make good sense but be cost-conscious as well.
This meme says it all:
Putting the Flash in Fascism
Homeland Security’s Kristi Noem is making terrifying deportations feel like a Barbie version of NCIS meets Yellowstone. Kind of perfect for the MAGA demographic.
Hey if it looks good it CAN’T be bad, right?
This is her—pre-Trump makeover, which I broke down about a year ago.
Other things I saw:
Thank you to Plan B company Julie for making reproductive rights funding (and my generationally geriatric name) hot again. This spring break merch went fast.
Snif brought back scented body mousse. DO NOT EAT.
Vogue says relatability and Authenticity™ are over.
I’ve been saying it for at least two years and the Kardashians and Hailey Beiber have been proving it - but at least Anna and I are aligned for once.
Women do more housework when a man is present than when women are alone.
Sorry I lost my link to this one, but women in hetero relationships do more house chores when the man actually in the house vs out playing golf or conducting important business or whatever.
WSJ says: Ask an (AI) Man
Breaking mainstream AI-bot gender norms, the Wall Street Journal’s tax advice bot is named Lars.
However, 86% of the bookkeeping, accounting, and auditing clerk workforce, is female. (and 4 of the top 10 most trustworthy countries are Scandinavian.)
How Woke/Un-Woke is Your Grocery Store?
Liberal Substacker and Tiktoker
has done exhaustive “Vote with Your Dollars” overviews for groceries3 and coffee. If you’re MAGA, this would of course be a great service, just flip it and reverse it.This German conglomerate (score: 1, the lowest) that owns all of these brands:
Cheers! Have a good week and do a shot of whiskey/microdose before checking your 401(k) this week!
or Chat GPT, I avoid due to energy usage but we’re in the nihilism phase now
Despite lives spent going to college and working at Chili’s
In a bleak as hell week, I laughed out loud at Trump’s take on the word groceries as an old fashioned but beautiful word that means putting lots of things in a bag. 🤔